TABLOIDS EXPOSED: or The Value of Shock

Today I’m planning on baking a couple of loaves of bread. I’ll probably do the whole wheat first and then a white with… Wait a minute that’s the article I’m writing for that foodie blog site. This one is supposed to be on something to out tabloid the tabloids.

It’s really difficult to come up with anything more outrageous than the stories in those colorful newspapers you see at the checkout counters of your favorite supermarket. But tabloid journalism isn’t found only next to the chewing gum, candy bars and BIC lighters. The television is an excellent source of salacious news. And major newspapers and magazines indulge in a great deal of celebrity poop that they attempt to pass off as legitimate news. Even the august New York Times feels that the style of summer shorts that Michelle Obama wore a couple of days ago is worthy of a page three article. Other news venues featured that story as a lead article so I guess you could say the Times showed some restraint.

But now back to the problem at hand. What could I write about that will be as over the top as the tabloids? When I made that rash promise early yesterday I hadn’t looked at the tabloids in a while. So I went to the supermarket and stood in two or three checkout lines to catch up on the news. There was a lot of stuff (still) about poor old Michael Jackson. Patrick Swayze is still battling cancer. Oprah is bigger than ever, although a couple papers said she was losing weight dangerously fast. A whole lot of stars have had such bad plastic surgery that in a group photo they looked like a bunch of ETs with huge boobs that point in three directions. That other fat actress from “Cheers” was prominently featured on a couple of covers. My mission seemed impossible. Then I decided I needed some cheese for a recipe I had in mind so I got out of the checkout line, to the great relief of the little old lady that I had cut in front of, and headed to the deli.

When I got to the deli I asked for a quarter pound of Gruyere sliced very thin. When the deli lady held up a slice to check on the requisite thinness I saw there in that slice of pale yellow cheese the smiling image of MICHAEL JACKSON! I said to the lady “Look at that cheese! It’s the face of Michael!” She said “Yeah I know, it’s been happening all day. There’s Michael in the Gruyere, Michael in the American, Michael in the Swiss, although it’s harder to see in the Swiss there because of the holes.” I asked if he was showing up in the ham or bologna. She told me “No, just the cheeses”.

The deli lady didn’t seem much moved by this spiritual event. I asked her how she could take all this so calmly. She said it was store policy and besides a couple of weeks ago it was images of Abe Lincoln in the German style sliced potato salad. And in February she had Peter, Paul and Mary in the head cheese. I said “Wow, they’re not even dead yet!” She said “They’re not?” This was big news. This was the tabloid event I was looking for. I scurried (can you picture that?) back to the checkouts to see if I could find a tabloid hotline phone number. I figured there must be someplace that a private citizen could report news items to the National Enquirer or the Star. What if you saw Dolly Parton at the Seven-Eleven dressed in men’s clothing. You’d need to report that. Or let’s say you were standing outside the fence at the White House and you saw the president’s kids sucked up into a giant UFO. The liberal media would not touch a story like that so you’d need to report it to a tabloid or, at the very least Entertainment Tonight. But, strangely, there wasn’t a hotline or news tip phone number in any of the papers.

I was getting upset about this turn of events so I went to Customer Service and grabbed the PA microphone from the desk. I said “Attention shoppers. Anyone in possession of a 3G phone with Internet connection please report to Customer Service immediately. A major event of national and religious importance is happening in the store as I speak and we need to use your Internet connection for the good of all mankind. Thank you and there’s a cleanup needed on aisle six.” A young man came up and I asked him to Google a phone number for one or all of the tabloid newspapers, or maybe the Today Show. He asked what the big deal was and I told him about the Michael Jackson image sightings at the deli counter. He said “No way!” I said “Way!” So he agreed to check on the numbers. Amazingly there was no listing of any type. I was frantic. How could these bastions of the Free Press not have a phone? How did they find all those stories that so intrigue such a large portion of the residents of trailer parks in our country? Do they just make them up? Perhaps they do.

Well, since I had a bona-fide miracle on my hands I decided that I would just write this blog article and the power of the Internet would spread the word. So send this to all your friends. Tell them that the Food Lion on RT 10 just outside Dover is the site of the miraculous sightings of the images of Michael Jackson in the cheese at the deli department. Ask for Billie Jean, she’s the best clerk there. If you don’t get there in time for Michael, hang around. Another dead celebrity will be appearing there soon.

Have a fine day.