SHE'S A GOOD OLD GRILL

It’s been said before, and repeated frequently, that my political articles are the least appreciated of all the junk I write. Even though I find myself eminently entertaining on that particular subject others disagree. People with a liberal lean are especially adamant in their disapproval. And since I have only five committed readers (readers who will admit to the act that is) and of those readers and since 2.5 are liberal, then occasionally I must stay off the politics.

Without the rich trove of material of the political type to draw upon my inspiration is lacking. If I can’t rant about the Obama administration, his myriad “czars”, moronic Senators and Congress people and the crazy crap they do along with shifty state and local politicians then I’m at a bit of a loss. Then I need to be thinking about subjects like religion, sex, popular culture or sports. Or I could, I suppose, write some homely soporific essay about love, kindness or nature. Since I’m poorly qualified due to lack of interest in pop culture or sports, and lack of experience in sex, and a definite desire to not offend another large segment of my audience who are deeply religious then I have to stay away from those subjects. The gentle essay concerning love, kindness or nature lacks the opportunity for blatant exaggeration and ribald humor so that also is out of bounds.

So today I’ve decided to tell you about cooking on a grill. For a couple weekends in a row we were over in the Washington area spending time with our daughter, future son-in-law and new granddaughter. Here in Dover we don’t have cable TV. At their place not only do they have a TV, a big old flat wide screen job with about nine hundred channels, but it is on almost all the time. The new baby seems to be happiest when the Food Network shows are playing so that’s what was on most of the time. She also likes golf when Tiger isn’t playing and soccer broadcast in Spanish. She’s quite discerning for a kid who isn’t even a month old yet.

But let’s get back to the grill. The Food Network was showing several programs with people cooking stuff on the grill. There was an aggressive chef with a Philadelphia accent cooking all kinds of spicy stuff in some kind of competition with a civilian. There was a kind of chubby lady chef in a very posh neighborhood cooking fancy gourmet foods. And there was a guy somewhere out West with a bunch of grills cooking up vegetarian meals. Cooking vegetables on the grill is fine but cooking them without at least a side order of some kind of animal is just plain wrong. Most of the cooks were using gas grills except for the Philadelphia guy who had a plain old Weber charcoal model. The westerner with several grills did have a charcoal grill that he was using to smoke plantains or some other kind of long narrow non-meat product.

I always do my grilling on my Weber kettle shaped charcoal appliance. Gas grills are good but I like the tastes that the charcoal grill supplies along with the suspected carcinogens. Plus, charcoal grills have an inherent sense of drama. There’s the drama of cleaning them out without becoming overcome by a windstorm of ash and dust. There’s the drama of facing the dangers of getting the charcoal lighted without burning yourself, or the house, into an unrecognizable cinder. And there’s the ultimate drama of the uncertainty of getting an edible finished product. At least that’s the case on my grill.

My grill has produced some fine meals. My grill has also produced some disasters that could rival the Hindenburg in fiery destruction. There are a few meals that I can usually do without too many flaws; hot dogs, hamburgers, chicken breasts and various sausages. However, when it comes to steak, fish, roasts or any kind of exotic dish then it’s always a gamble. I can recall an anniversary dinner with lumps of blackened shellfish that started out as lobster. But I have to blame myself for trying to cook those on the grill quite late in the evening without a proper light source. Who knew those suckers would cook that fast. I’ve also ruined some fairly expensive cuts of beef. For some reason I can’t bring myself to buy a five dollar meat thermometer. I do want a meat thermometer but it’s one of those sixty dollar digital jobs with signals and so forth. My dear wife refuses to let me get that tool so my revenge is to give her a steak with the consistency of linoleum every once in a while. Sooner or later we will resolve the difference. The resolution is predictable.

For tonight’s dinner I’m doing everything on the grill. I’ve got a nice steak, some red potatoes cut in thick slices and seasoned up nicely and some big old summer tomatoes layered in thick slices with provolone cheese, drizzled with olive oil and sprinkled with basil; my mouth waters just thinking about it. I just hope my dear wife gets home pretty soon because the sun is going down and the light near my grill is still busted. I guess I could hold a flashlight in my mouth while I tend to the cooking. Now if I can just find the batteries.

Have a fine day.