PETS

Well dear readers I’m about to piss off a bunch of you folks. If it’s true that sixty four percent of Americans are pet owners then it stands to reason that sixty four percent of you good people fit into that same demographic. So, assuming generously that I have ten readers then 6.4 of you are going to call me a lot of harsh names and then probably send me a scathing email, and finally, quit reading my stuff. So I’m going to apologize up front and say that these little observations surely don’t apply to you fine people. If, on the off chance that they do apply, remember this is the ranting of a nearly senile old retired guy. Okay, I will now press on.

Some people that own pets are really stupid. Not all pet owners are stupid, of course. People that have snakes or iguanas or other reptilian creatures are crazy and stupid and I’m not even going to talk about them here. I’m going to talk about dog, cat and other small mammal or rodent owners. And maybe I’ll include those very strange folks that own birds.

Already a lot of you pet owners are ready to tar and feather me and accuse me of being an unfeeling creep who has no regard for God’s many creatures. You’re probably right. But yesterday I saw a young couple, well dressed and intelligent looking, walking their two dogs in the park. One of the dogs was a really big German Shepherd and the other was a mixed breed that looked like it was mostly Black Lab. This couple left the park and went to a nearby apartment building. I know for a fact that this old building only has small, one bedroom apartments which would feel crowded with both of those young people in occupancy. Adding two really big dogs is just plain wrong and I’m amazed that the landlord would allow that. Now you’re saying that this is just one example of bad pet ownership and I really can’t say that all pet owners are like them. But I got to thinking about pets and their care and I’ve decided that there must be something wrong with many pet owners.

Let’s start with dog owners. If you live on a farm or in a place with a big yard and open areas for the dog to run around doing its doggie activities then maybe you aren’t stupid. But if you live in an apartment or a place in a town or city where your dog is confined until you can take it for a walk then there’s a problem. When that dog walks you need to keep it on a leash and follow along with a plastic bag to pick up the little, or big if you have a big dog, droppings. I know there are plenty of people who don’t clean up after their dogs because I see the evidence along most of my walking areas. But those people are probably more stupid than the folks that do clean up. Then think about your poor mutt hanging around the house all day, doing nothing, leading a dull and sedentary existence totally at odds with its genetic predisposition. If you can’t see that you’re being kind of cruel and heartless then, well, I guess you’re a little bit stupid. But you think that your pet is fine with that and the hour or two you pay a little bit of attention to it is enough for it to be mentally okay, but I’ve seen plenty of dogs that live like that and they’re nuts. They’re either totally out of control or else they act afraid and weirdly submissive. But let’s say you’re retired and you spend a lot of time with your dog and you really don’t mind walking it and you actually willingly and happily clean up dog poop. In that case you’re not stupid you’re just a little abnormal and I applaud you.

Cat owners are amazing people. My youngest daughter has two cats and I’ve seen the problems associated with having them around. If your cats stay in the house then you have a litter box to deal with and that’s a disgusting proposition. I don’t care what those litter companies advertise, cat boxes are nasty things. Then there’s the matter of cat hair. Even if you own one of those Dyson Super Sucker vacuums you still have cat hair around and you’re always looking for new gadgets to clean the stuff up. If it were up to me the critters would be shaved bald. There are two types of cat dispositions. Some cats just eat, use the cat box, sleep and lay around. The other type of cat eats, uses the cat box, sleeps, lies around and hunts. That hunting activity can involve looking for and pouncing on spiders, crickets, mice or humans. My mother-in-law, may she rest in peace, had a cat that was a vicious hunter. But it seemed like I was the only prey the crazy thing recognized. I would walk into the front door of the in-law’s house and that cat would pounce on my leg and start clawing and chewing. At first, since I was trying to make a good impression on my future wife’s parents, I would put up with this painful and bloody torture. But one day I lost my temper and kicked the damn cat across the room where it knocked over an expensive lamp and finally slammed up against the wall. The cat sat there barely conscious shaking its head like a boxer after taking a good upper cut to the chin. My mother-in-law was extremely unhappy with me and let me know it. But the cat never bothered me again and died a short time later, from brain damage I think.

Some people have many cats. Years ago when I was a paper boy, back in the late 1950’s; I had my first encounter with a crazy cat lady. This lady lived in a big old house with her invalid mother and about twenty or thirty cats. The place had litter boxes all around but the animals pretty much ignored them. The woman had names for each animal and knew their astrological signs and had little birthday parties for them. When a cat died, as they often did, she would have a funeral service and bury the dead animal in a well kept cemetery in the back yard. One summer I also did yard work for this lady and I had to pay special attention to the graveyard. Did I mention that she always paid me for my work and for her newspapers with pennies? So my experience with that lady has influenced, to a large extent, how I view people that own more than two cats at a time.
Cats are strange creatures on the best of days and can be horrible little things without notice or provocation. There are far too many of them in the world and I think that all of you who make an effort to spay or neuter the breeding population are doing a great service. Some of the crazier multiple cat owners should probably be spayed or neutered as well.

Gerbils, hamsters, rabbits and little white rats and mice are also considered house pets by many people, particularly those with small children. I consider those little critters to be house pests; the animals not the kids. A hamster cage that is not cleaned at least three times a week can become a source of unique pungency very quickly. And as playmates for little kids those creatures make as much sense as a pet rock. If they are released from their habitat (an expensive substitute for a cage) all they want to do is escape into an impenetrable hiding place. Then a few weeks down the road the smell of death emanates from beneath the fridge and you know you’ve found little Hammie again. If you want to take a vacation for more than a few days then you need to find someone to come in and care for the pets. Leave that job to me and I’ll pretty much guarantee that a little pet funeral will be required as a homecoming celebration. My grandson won’t let me take care of his pets anymore, which is fine with me.

Finally, I was going to write a little bit about bird owners. But when I think of those folks who keep parrots or parakeets or any other kind of bird I get a little frustrated and confused. What can those people possibly be thinking about? Birds are noisy, dirty and very small brained. I don’t care what those parrot owners say about their pets being so intelligent and fun to be with. A parrot has a brain the size of a peanut. It isn’t any smarter than your average politician and certainly doesn’t make any more logical remarks. Birds are meant to be out in nature or in the oven. That’s all I have to say about them.

So pet owners, there you have it. I will make a little disclaimer here that we have had some pets over the years. One or two of our dogs were pretty cool although they weren’t cool enough for me to walk with carrying a little shovel and a plastic bag. Fortunately we had them when we lived in places that had quite a bit of running room. And we’ve had a couple of cats too, but I try not to think about that too much. For now I’m not going to have any more animals. They would mess up the image I have of myself as an impulsive wanderer and raconteur. Besides that I have enough trouble cleaning up after myself so having a pet would just add too much to that workload.

Have a fine day.