MEN VS WOMEN: A Rebuttal

Recently a renowned philosopher wrote an article with several declarations regarding the superiority of women and, of course, conversely, the inferiority of the male of the human species. Most of his allegations were based on research conducted within his own home so they are to be considered suspect. With such a narrow statistical sampling, which he projects willy-nilly on the whole of male humanity, there are bound to be some errors in his conclusions.

This esteemed scholar, who shall remain nameless in the interests of protecting him from the wrath of his fellows, claims that “men are pigs”, “men are incapable of multi tasking”, “men are morons”, “men can not open a can of soup without the help of women” and again “men are pigs”. He also implies that a centuries old fact, men are better drivers, is a delusion. This formerly great thinker treads on dangerous ground.

In the interests of good science I conducted a highly complex investigation using large data sampling techniques to test my colleague’s hypotheses. Using these sophisticated surveying techniques I came to strikingly different conclusions, grounded in real research and not sullied by personal prejudice. So there.

First we’ll look at the issue of multi-tasking. In my surveys I found that 87% of the male respondents (some women responded because the men in their houses were busy watching football but I won’t report their comments) could do many tasks at one time. Some reported the ability to send text messages to their fantasy football friends while watching real football. Some reported that they could watch TV, eat dinner and think about the best way to fix the garage door all at the same time. Some said that they could listen to their wife’s description of new curtains, think about sex and drink a beer with out the least bit of difficulty. An amazing 98% of men reported that they could read and attend to certain bodily functions at the same time. Therefore, research shows that men multi-task on an almost daily basis.

Now we’ll tackle the claim that men are morons. This is much harder to dispute based on even the most scientific surveys. Some men are morons. Some women are morons. Pretty much all teenagers are morons. To test the hypothesis I asked respondents to name ten morons. Then I looked at the number of men on the respective lists as compared to the number of women. The mean average was four male morons, four female morons and two teenage morons. Not surprisingly several public figures were listed on all surveys. Politicians were cited, both male and female, most often. Certain sports figures, Michael Vick and Brett Favre being the most common, were also mentioned. Every single respondent listed Hillary Clinton and Regis Philbin. So the scientific evidence would seem to support the fact that both men and women are morons.

Next the question of soup can opening must be addressed. This research involved only three simple questions: “Can you open a can of soup?”, “How do you open a can of soup?” and finally “Have you ever, since reaching adulthood, needed a woman to help open a can of soup?” The results of the survey showed that 93.76% of the male respondents say they can open a can of soup. Only 2% ever need the help of a woman in opening a can of soup. And the descriptions of how a can of soup is opened were representative of several variations. Just over 60% said they used a can opener, 29% said they pulled the little tab thingy and lifted off the lid, 9% responded “other”, 1% said they used a Bowie knife and 1% said they used their teeth. Of the 6.24% who said they couldn’t open a can of soup 5% were handicapped in some way. Therefore the evidence is conclusive. Men can open soup cans.

Finally we must look at the claim that “men are pigs”. Now piggishness is a relative notion. Where some people might see a little dust and an out of place newspaper as an indication of slovenly living another group might think that three days worth of dirty dishes, an overflowing laundry basket and a little soap scum in the shower is not really that big a deal. My colleague cites the example of office desks as one proof of pig like behavior. My personal work space is only mildly cluttered now but when I was a store manager there was a great deal of disarray in my office. But I knew where every document and note was in that pile of confusion. So to test the hypothesis presented by the article in question I submitted four photographs for the respondents review. Each photo showed the same room in various states of cleanliness. The first photo, which is of the living room in my house after a whole day of entertaining my grandsons, represents the messiest situation. The other three photos were taken in the days following as we assaulted the levels of debris and disarray gradually returning the room to pristine condition. Each respondent was asked to label one of the photos as an example of extreme piggishness. Then I compared those results to the same survey done of an equal number of women. The results were surprising though not totally unexpected. Over 60% of both men and women selected the photograph of the room that had been cleaned up to a level of fifty percent clean as bieng piggish. Nearly 5% of the women thought piggishness was represented in the totally cleaned room. And nearly 5% of the men thought the totally messed up room was clean. So once again we find that men and women are just about the same. Piggish behavior is not the sole purview of either sex. Science has spoken.

My colleague states in his final paragraph that women could rule the planet but that the reverse would be catastrophic. He states that without women men would simply not exist. Well, duh? How scientific is that? Everyone, even narrow minded science guys like me, know that it takes both a man and a woman to create a new person. And as for ruling the world that’s probably handled better as a joint effort as well. Any time throughout history where either sex has been dominant the job gets kind of botched up. So maybe if a balance could be struck things would run a little better. But that’s not science, just common sense. My colleague’s article can be read at www.pboureysthoughts.blogspot.com Even though it reinforces stereotypes that we men should be fighting against it’s funny, in an unscientific way, and probably pretty close to the truth at his house.

Have a fine day.