RECENT EVENTS

Recent events have given me cause to think a little bit about the nature of life and the circumstances of death. Those subjects are always close together in their constancy and in their mysteriousness. It’s also true to my mind that they have been written about so much that another few words won’t change the way anyone looks at them to any degree. Great writers have written volumes and lousy writers have written really bad poems about these subjects. And I probably fall a lot closer to the latter group than I’d care to admit. But at least my bad poems have been largely hidden from the general public. Anyway, as my dear departed mother-in-law used to say, that’s water over the bridge. I’m just going to describe a couple of recent events and you can fill in the questions and answers about the nature of life and death.

A classmate of mine from high school who I’d become reacquainted with on MySpace and then also on Facebook passed away last month. I found out that she died when I decided to check out her profile page after not hearing from her for a few weeks. She was one of those kind people who was always using those silly applications that send gifts and flowers or hugs and kittens to all her friends. But she also wrote more personal notes once in a while; particularly after she read some article or story I had posted on-line. She was very kind and encouraging in her notes about my writing. And she was very kind and generous in all her dealings with family and friends. Her name was Kathi Downes Gilliam and she was sixty two years old, a 1964 graduate of Hilton High School in upstate New York, and she was a fine and gentle person who will be missed a great deal.

A little over a week ago my wife and I were at a gathering of people in Gaithersburg with my youngest daughter and her fiancée. The hosts of the gathering were a young man who immigrated to the US from Ghana and his wife, a native born California blond girl who demolishes every stereotype about that particular iconic image. The young man was drinking a bit heavily because he was feeling particularly sad about the very recent passing of his mother. This gathering was one of many that would be held as a sort of series of wakes that Ghanaian folks have upon the death of a family member. This young man was unable to return to Ghana before his mom passed away and was struck almost as hard by this fact as by the fact of her dying. He hadn’t seen his mother for almost eight years although they talked weekly on the phone and exchanged videos and so forth. So he was in deep mourning and his excessive drinking was understandable. But the friends and family he has over here in this country were continuing the tradition observed in his homeland. The culmination of the period of public mourning was held this past Saturday with a big celebration of the life of the young man’s mother. There were a lot of people, about seventy I’m told, and a lot of food and drink. Music was played and stories were passed on. There were gifts for the family, mostly cash which would be sent over and used to help out during these hard times. My future son-in-law was at the party as was befitting his status as best friend of the bereaved young man. It all reminded me of old time Irish wakes which were also parties spurred by someone’s dying. Other cultures have similar traditions and it seems to be a cathartic and healthy way to deal with that kind of loss. We, more staid and conservative Americans, tend to be much more formal and repressed when it comes to sending someone off on the next part of the journey, although I have noticed a trend towards more celebrations of the life of the deceased than the old style focus on grief and sadness of the loss. I am pretty much a shambles when it comes to losing family members and participating in either public ceremonies of grief or celebrations of the individual’s life. Maybe if the drinking could start before the funeral proceedings then I might do a better job of participating. So next time the occasion presents itself I’m going to try that approach. Celebratory drinking, funny stories and good food will be on the program early in the mourning period. But in truth that approach will be much harder to take if the decedent is not an older person who has lived a full and productive life. When someone young and vital is suddenly lost then it’s much harder to follow through with a joyous approach. Perhaps a greater measure of faith in the certainty of what comes after would be an aid. But I don’t see those who are “true believers” being much more joyous or even certain that things will be better on “the other side”. I guess that the mystery of it all even creeps into their minds and doubtful thoughts intrude. Or maybe they grieve for themselves.

On a more uplifting note, my daughter and son-in-law had a birthday party for their youngest little guy. He turned three last week so some of his play group friends and a couple other folks came to help him celebrate. He was also lucky to have his eighty-seven year old great-grandmother at the party. It was a well done little event and everyone seemed to have a good time. The guest of honor was typical of three year olds, wanting to get to the present opening part of the festivities as quickly as possible. When he wants something he has a way of getting it, so the agenda was pushed right along; playing, eating, piñata, cake and ice cream. All of that was crammed into about thirty minutes and then his favorite activity began. Thirty seconds later all the gifts were opened and his full concentration was on the new toys he had. His guests were pretty much on their own at that point. So now that he’s three he can immediately discard the sometimes disturbing behavior of the “terrible two’s” and become a model citizen like his older brother. But I doubt if that will happen too quickly. He’s a joy anyway and we do love to watch him and his brother as they grow and change. And soon we’ll have a little girl to enjoy as well. That’s the kind of thing that makes life so darn good.

Have a fine day.