My dear old Aunt Helen died yesterday
morning. She hadn’t been herself for some time and I’m sure she was happy to
move on to an easier existence. So now relatives and friends are remembering
her fondly using words like kind, funny, full of faith and generous. And of
course those are all appropriate words for Helen. But I’m thinking about some other
words that might not be mentioned at all. Those words include – tough,
determined and even stubborn.
Aunt Helen was tough. She was born in hard
times in a pretty hard place. She grew up in an era when women were defined by
who, and how well, they married. But she never found a man who could meet her
standards and I often think she really didn’t care about that. She was an
independent person. She went to work and made her way as a single woman, not
all that common in the decades during and after World War II. Helen worked in
retail for a time and then moved on up to a job at the college in Plattsburgh.
She worked in the print shop doing a job that was both physically and mentally
difficult. But there was no complaining from her and she made a good solid
living that allowed her to be independent.
And while we all remember Aunt Helen as a
caring person, willingly being nurse and caregiver to her father, mother and
later to her sister Margaret, we forget the toughness that is required to fill
that role. When caring for her parents she was still working. So she would
drive home to Standish do her nursing and housekeeping chores then get up the
next morning and do it all again. That kind of work takes a toughness that
many, if not most, of us don’t have.
One other side of toughness that I recall
in Aunt Helen was displayed as she interacted with her three brothers. Those
fellows, Francis – Leo – Arthur, were sometimes quite sarcastic with Helen.
Though they loved her and appreciated her, they also teased her unmercifully.
But she could handle it and the edge on her humorous knife was every bit as
sharp as theirs. She had a great sense of humor but it too could be tough.
Determination was something that Aunt
Helen brought to every part of her life. She was determined to make a good
living. She was determined to be the best woman of faith that she could be. She
was determined to stay living on her own, independently for as long as she
possibly could. That inner strength and determination helped her achieve all of
those goals. The last time I saw Aunt Helen, the time she still had good
awareness of what was happening to her, she was determined to get back home. I’m
sure her spirit has also achieved that goal.
Now stubbornness can be a bad trait. But
it can also be a different shading of determination. And Aunt Helen could
surely be stubborn in both ways. If she wasn’t stubborn she might have ended up
in an unhappy marriage. If she wasn’t stubborn she could have stayed in
Standish and pretty much done nothing. But she didn’t do that. She traveled.
She had an active social life. She had good and long lasting friendships. And
she was also very stubborn about the importance of her family. She maintained
contact with more relatives than most of us ever do. She remembered birthdays,
anniversaries and more. She was stubborn about those things. And we should look
to her as an example of good and productive stubbornness.
So over time I’ll remember Aunt Helen. I’ll
smile at memories of good times, think about her sense of humor, her kindness,
her loving generosity. But I’ll also remember a tough lady who was determined
to make her way on her own and stubborn enough to stick to her own path.
Rest in peace Aunt Helen.
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