A North Country Christmas Party: Short fiction

When I arrived at the party and looked the house over I knew it was going to be the same old pretentious crowd from the University standing around, eating bad tasting gourmet food, drinking heavily and talking about mortgages and retirement plans. I was the guest of my friend the English Department chair, a guy who occasionally read and criticized my poetry. But the nature of the party changed in an instant when the door opened behind me and Alvin, Jacques and a lady entered the room. Alvin and Jacques are two woodsmen I had spent time with recently learning about small scale logging and bear hunting. I was wondering how they had managed to get an invitation to this party when the head of the University Forestry and Agriculture Department, Doctor Farquahr, waddled up to the new arrivals.

He greeted Alvin and Jacques in a rather formal way, thanking them for being there to represent the local independent logging community, as if there was such a thing. Alvin introduced the lady who was accompanying him as his wife Clarrissa. Alvin and Jacques had cleaned up pretty well for the occasion. Alvin, a tall and lean eighty year old man with a wild head of silvery hair, wore a new flannel shirt buttoned to the top, heavy wool trousers held up by red, white and blue striped suspenders and a shiny pair of work boots. Jacques is a little younger, shorter and rounder than Alvin. He too had on a new red and black flannel shirt buttoned up tight under his chin. But he was a bit more sartorially resplendent in a pair of heavily starched khakis and highly polished expensive looking loafers. On his head he wore a relatively clean flannel hat with ear flaps tied up on top, known locally as a toque and pronounced to rhyme with “duke”. Both men had their best false teeth in place.

Clarissa, Alvin’s fourth wife, is a fifty something blond lady of solid stature. She has steely blue eyes and a serious nature but is known in our little hamlet as a generous and caring soul who, on occasion, can have a very good time. She was wearing her finest holiday bright red sweat suit, emblazoned with a picture of Santa Claus and decorated with enough beads and sequins to make old Liberace blush. The last time I had seen her she was decked out in her firefighting gear hosing down a burning truckload of wood pulp and ordering around half a dozen of her mildly drunk young firemen. She’s been our volunteer fire chief for several years and runs the department with an iron fist. I was anxious to see how the crowd at this party would react to this politically conservative outspoken lady.

Doctor Farquahr was introducing his special guests around as if they were a trio of orangutans. Alvin and Clarissa were being polite and personable but I could see that Jacques wasn’t enjoying himself at all. It’s a good thing Jacques speaks out less than the hero of a Clint Eastwood spaghetti western or he would have been a little less pleasant to the fawning academics he was meeting. But finally the introductions were over and the three mountain folk were let loose to mingle, eat and drink. They drifted to the bar that was set up at the end of the large room that housed the indoor swimming pool. I was leaning on a fake palm tree near the bar when I heard Alvin ask for two double shots of Old Farmhand and a Genny Light. The young lady that was tending the bar told Alvin that she had never heard of Old Farmhand and, although she had heard of Genesee Light Beer they didn’t have that one either. Alvin told her that Old Farmhand was made about fifty miles south of the college at a small family distillery and brewery. But since the bartender didn’t seem all that interested in this point of local interest Alvin asked for two doubles of Wild Turkey and a bottle of the Saranac Lager that he spotted in the cooler. He handed Clarissa the beer and one of the glasses of whiskey to Jacques.

He and Jacques tossed back the whiskey and plunked their glasses down for a refill. The bartender started a little speech about drinking responsibly but Alvin cut her short saying that Clarissa was the designated driver and he knew all about DUI’s. She refilled the two glasses which both men drank down without pause. They plunked the glasses down again. The bartender was getting a little nervous about another refill so Clarissa stepped up and asked her to put some ice in the glasses, pour the refills and they wouldn’t bother her again for a little while. Alvin and Jacques weren’t too happy about having their whiskey diluted with melting ice but they knew they shouldn’t get Clarissa riled up so they went along with her plan.

I chatted with Alvin for a few minutes, inquiring as to the circumstance that brought him to this party. Alvin and Clarissa live about thirty miles away from the University town and Jacques lives next door to them. They don’t have much to do with the town unless they need to argue with tax appraisers or file lawsuits at the county court house. Once a month or so they might head up to do a little shopping but they are self sufficient folks who grow, fish or hunt most of their own food. Alvin said that the Forestry Department was doing research on the effects of small logging operations in the mountains. The researchers were hoping to prove that Alvin, Jacques and others like them were harming the ecology. So far the results were not so good for proving the theory. Alvin said that for every mature tree the loggers cut they plant anywhere from three to ten seedlings. He also said that all the small loggers were careful about erosion and working too closely to small streams and rivers. But the University guys still wanted to do some more studying so Farquahr was making nice and invited Alvin and Jacques to this shindig.

Jacques somehow indicated he was hungry. I never heard him say a word but Alvin and Clarissa both said that it was a fact and we all headed to the buffet tables set up in the dining room. Clarissa was looking around the house which had an open floor plan and the few rooms we were in must have totaled about three thousand square feet. I thought she would make a comment about this being too much for a person to clean but instead she said that the Feng Shui of the place was all wrong and that Farquahr and his wife would probably get divorced someday soon. I asked Clarissa where she learned about Feng Shui and she said that even though they lived in the hill country they did have books and satellite television.

As they looked over the wide array of gourmet offerings attractively displayed on the buffet tables it was clear that only Clarissa had a clue as to what most of the dishes were. She pointed out the little signs with the names of the dishes and translated for the two puzzled men. There were chutneys, baked brie with currants and walnuts, vegetable dips made from squash and mangos, several kinds of exotic olive spreads, caviar in black and red, funny little balls that appeared to be either meat or fish but smelled like fruit and some rolled up cheese things that smelled like sewer gas. Alvin said that Jacques wanted to know where the meat, potatoes, macaroni and cheese and green beans were. Clarissa said this wasn’t the fire hall or a St. Polycarp’s Church fundraiser so they’d better just shut up and try a couple of these dishes. She filled her tiny plate with a few of the tidbits she recognized from the cooking shows and found a place to sit down. The men joined her after exchanging many quizzical looks. When Mrs. Doctor Farquahr came over and asked if they had plenty to eat Clarissa was the only one who responded with “Yes, and it’s all so interesting.” Alvin just chewed slowly and thoughtfully and Jacques rolled his eyes.

A young fellow approached the trio as they were finishing up the buffet delicacies and engaged Alvin in a discussion about global warming and how small loggers were contributing to the problems. Clarissa looked alarmed and Jacques jaws were beginning to tighten drawing his lips into a deep and disturbed frown. Alvin told the young man, who had a pompous and irritating accent not unlike Al Gore’s, that he was unaware of any real research that would support that opinion. Alvin went on to tell the man, who turned out to be an associate professor of alternative energy studies, that both he, Jacques and many of the folks that lived down in the mountainous areas were greener than anyone in this crowd. Alvin was worked up now. He said that at his home he used solar, wind and water power and was in no way hooked up to any public utilities. Jacques was now standing close by with narrowed eyes and his hands were clenched into tight fists. Alvin went on, in ever an increasing volume that was drawing a lot of interest from the other guests, about how he and people like him respected Nature and did more to really preserve and defend it than any bunch of big bellied bureaucrats in all the universities and governments of the world. Clarissa was squirming now and doing all she could to steer her companions towards a graceful exit.

Since I knew there were a few animal activists in the crowd I casually asked Alvin how the deer season was going this year. He said he and Jacques had filled their freezers on their licenses and the tags of a couple other hunters from the city who didn’t even know how to butcher what they killed. That started a tirade about deer herd management and how those desk jockeys in Albany had no clue about the dangerous increase in game populations in the North Country. The animal folks were all ears and red faces now. But Clarissa had moved to the front door and Alvin and Jacques were following along. There was silence in the room as the university folks digested more than the gourmet snacks. Clarissa bade a friendly farewell to the Farquahrs and shoved the men out the door.

I was thinking about taking my leave as well when Doctor Farquahr came up to me and said “Well I never! Those people have no clue about the real problems of the world.” I said “Actually they do sir. They make a living in a beautiful but harsh area. They don’t depend on any government for assistance. When trouble arrives neighbors pull together and help each other. And they care for the land and the future of the forests more than all the researchers here at the college. So I’d say they have a clue.” And with that I excused myself and headed to my truck. I figured my three friends would be heading to the Riverside Tavern for a beer and I intended to join them.

Have a fine day.