FINAL ARRANGEMENTS

Certain sad and inevitable events are happening in our family as I write this. My brother-in-law, my wife’s sister’s husband, is now under Hospice care at their home in Mississippi. As we get older, and as our older relatives get closer to that final stretch of the journey, we start thinking about our own demise. Most folks don’t sit around constantly entertaining morbid thoughts about their final day. And I don’t either. But occasionally those things cross my mind and today happened to be one of those days.

What I was thinking was that it might be time to jot down what I’d like in the way of a send off from this world. All the finest funeral directors tell you that it’s best to make those arrangements ahead of time. They don’t want you to be a last minute shopper. The lawyers all want a person to be prepared legally so that the surviving vultures, I mean relatives, don’t need to have a big ugly fight over your pile of wealth. I don’t have much to worry about in that area. And doctors want you to have that living will thing so that the kids can pull the plug when the government health care system doesn’t pay for your ventilating machine any more. Even the pastors and priests like to see a nice list of “things to do” for the requiem services. So I’m going to provide some preferences for my own final arrangements right now.

First of all, since I intend to live a good long time and cling like hell to that last thread of life, I’ll probably be under Hospice care for a considerable length of time. I’d like to have a pool set up by a caring family member so someone can win a prize by picking the day, hour and minute of my departure. Chances could go for ten bucks or so and if it’s handled right a considerable amount of money could be raised from all the friends and relatives that I have. So let’s say fifty folks get in the pool. The winner will get half and the other half will go to pay for the booze and food for my going away party. Knowing my relatives though, we probably need to sell a lot more than fifty chances to cover that booze bill.

I haven’t decided yet if I want a church funeral or just a non-denominational memorial thing. If I were to croak tomorrow I’d want the latter. Who knows what the next few years will bring religiously speaking. All I do know is that jokes must be told no matter what kind of service happens. The jokes can’t be the mildly amusing anecdotes about events in my life. No, they must be really funny jokes about two priests and a rabbi, an Irish guy a Polish guy and an Arab or a couple of nuns and a hooker. Fart jokes are okay too. If enough money gets raised in the TOD pool then a comedian could be hired to handle the jokes. The service should also have music. Bluegrass music would be the best choice, preferably the Gibson Brothers. If they could be convinced to play live (they’ll probably still be around by then) that would be good. But CD’s are okay. I just don’t want any damn karaoke machine being used.

Food choices are not important to me. I won’t be eating. But in memory of my simple tastes good Buffalo wings, Glazier Michigan hot dogs and Yeungling beer will be fine selections. Don’t serve any vegetables with dip or quiche. The wine doesn’t need to be high priced. My wife prefers red or white in quantity so a big jug or box is okay.

Now the only thing left to specify about funereal preferences, other than the method of my disposal, are the eulogies. Once again I don’t want any sad crap or boo-hoo inspiring reminiscing. Someone should read the weather report for the day, maybe the stock exchange report if it’s not too depressing and maybe a review of the good news items in the paper. Then one or two family members or friends can read one of the funnier compositions from my files. I’ll be writing more as the years pass by, but if things change quickly for the worst there’s a poem about a tattooed woman or the ever popular squirrel story that can be used.

So there you have my wishes for my final arrangements. If I’ve left anything out feel free to be creative. Just make sure every idea is light hearted and fun. We should die as we have lived and I’d like a happy send off. As for the disposal arrangements I think cremation followed by ash dispersal in an appropriate river valley would be just fine. You probably can guess the river.

Have a fine day.