EARTH DAY 2008

Most every day I try to walk a couple of miles in an effort to keep my youthful figure and stay alive a couple more years. But today I saw an event that might make me think twice about walking in nature and force me to walk with the other codgers in the confines of a shopping center. Here’s what happened.

I arrived at one of my favorite walking spots about a mile from home. It’s a very nice trail, about 2 ½ miles long in a county park. The trail runs along a creek in a woodsy, brushy kind of wetland area. There are nice boardwalks over the more swampy spots and the trail is pretty well groomed although there are quite a lot of overhanging trees and bushes just above head high. Birds of all sorts fly all around you, geese and ducks inhabit the creek and occasionally you will see larger birds of prey circling overhead. Other wildlife is present in the form of rabbits and squirrels. And if you look carefully you will see signs of raccoons and deer. All in all an idyllic and well used public benefit.

This morning the park wasn’t too crowded. A few young mothers were pushing their kids along in $500.00 strollers at a very fast pace. There were some dog walkers armed with their little scoopers and plastic bags full of last night’s Alpo. And there were a couple of the athletic types racing around in ways that are truly unnatural. One fellow in particular caught my eye as he set out ahead of me. He seemed to be a very fit fifty-ish guy dressed in expensive exercise clothes including those extremely high dollar walking shoes. His hair was a brownish gray, kind of wiry mop tied up in an unusual upturned pony tail. He had the stride of the fast walker, arms pumping and calf muscles stretching as his bottle of Aquafina bumped on the belt around his waist. In no time at all he was out of sight around the bend as I poked along at my usual leisurely pace. I was going along enjoying the beautiful day, admiring the birds and noticing unusual amounts of squirrel activity in the trees and on the ground. The Rites of Spring, I thought to myself. Or maybe I said it out loud. Anyway, as I approached a particularly woody spot with lots of low hanging branches and brush I heard a high pitched shrieking and hollering. Lacking good sense I rushed towards the commotion. A few hundred feet ahead I could see the fast walking guy leaping around yelling and frantically clawing at his head. Deciding that caution would be wise I slowed down a bit. He could be in the midst of a swarm of Killer Bees or something. But as I cautiously approached I couldn’t see any bee swarm. What I did see was far more frightening and something I’ll never forget. Attached to the back of the guy’s wiry upturned brownish gray ponytail was a large brownish gray squirrel. And this squirrel wasn’t attacking that pony tail; he was attempting to mate with it! It was horrible. Grabbing the only weapon I could come up with, the large pocket comb I carry to smooth out my own flowing locks, I ran up and waved it at the squirrel (which by now was wondering why this particular mate was so recalcitrant) forcing the animal to dislodge itself and leap off into the nearest tree. Then I attempted to calm the poor fellow down. I assured him there were no bleeding wounds in spite of the wetness on the back of his head. And knowing that squirrels are somewhat sadistic in their mating I told the squirrel rape victim that he was lucky their relationship was so short.
So I gave the man my comb so he could flatten down the hair that had been tied up in that squirrelly looking style, which should prevent further incidents. He fast walked his way back to the more open areas of the park and I presume home to his shampoo and shower. I finished my walk, pondering the wonders of nature and the true lesson of Earth Day. If you go walking in the woods don’t look like a squirrel's butt.